It’s Not Cool To Be This Hot


It’s hot as a blast furnace here in the Valley of the Sun.

A motion of factors added up to me living here if living is what you call sweltering aimlessly without end. It’s so hot here the bees have given up and the birds sit around in the shade ogling and cat-calling the cats that stare at them from the cool indoors.

If the cats figure out the mystery of the glass, the birds would be in trouble, until the cats realize that the air is hotter than a hot tin roof and their superior intellect tells them to get back inside toot sweet.

All the wildlife has gone on with life elsewhere. Even stray dogs have found their way home. As have stray husbands. It’s tough to go out with the fellas after work when life is cooler back at home. Electricity is at a premium so if you’re sitting at a bar, your family at home is just as cool so you end up paying double.

It is a good time to find out who the loonies are. Anyone on a golf course or a tennis court should have the nice young men in clean white coats chasing after them with fishnets.

This is the time of year when you wonder why you paid extra for a sunroof.

The sun is beating down on your head and it’s even worse if you wear a toupee’ or if you’re forced to wear a backwards baseball cap because you have a case of Fred Durst inspired arrested development.

As you drive home, you see a coyote walking after a sauntering roadrunner. It’s so sweltering even the cactus are sweaty. What remains of flora and fauna must feel like they’re in a sauna. The quail have quit scurrying and have started hitchhiking.

Mailmen deserve hazard pay. The delivery drivers must feel like those dummies felt in those old films of atomic bomb blasts. A potato in a microwave has it better than someone that has to work outside in this heat.

If Hades does indeed have rings, this is one of the middle ones.

A short-order cook clocking out and heading across the parking lot can’t tell that he’s left the kitchen until he’s in his car three blocks away and the air conditioning kicks in. If the car sits too long the asphalt and the tires become one.

It’s so hot airplanes don’t want to touch down. Their wheels skip a few times until they get used to it. If a rocket took off anyone standing close wouldn’t be able to tell unless they were looking at it.

That’s how hot it is.

Photo by NASA on Unsplash


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