Robots: The Future is Here, and It's Kinda Creepy

 

Okay, so robots are getting smarter, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

My wife read a story this morning on Instagram about a robot that plays Rock, Paper, Scissors. It’s a very popular game that’s played by two people, with their fingers, when they’re bored or have to settle very serious disputes. Kinda like the modern-day equivalent of the old coin flip for the digital age. (See what I did there?) Only nobody carries coins anymore, because, you know, technology.

Anyway, the robot programmers main motive with pitting their inventions against humans wasn’t to see if the robot’s onboard computers could be used as entertainment.

These robots were using the game to size up and learn from their human counterparts. The programmers were going all Lex Luthor and setting up civilization for total robot nerd domination.

They were watching facial features and movements to learn our tells so that they, the robots, could basically become human-whisperers. Studying how our eyes dilated and how that corresponded with the decision made by the human. It could sense rising temperatures and measure our sweat, and figuring out how to predict our every move. Basically, they would do the same thing wives and mothers could do.

So, what's next? Robot cops, that's what.

It won’t be long before there will be robot detectives in police stations grilling suspects. Robot detectives could be more direct and stare you down without blinking. Also, the robots wouldn’t have to take a smoke break and eat way less donuts.

But let's not forget the courtroom drama! Robot lawyers, programmed with every legal precedent ever recorded, would argue cases with the cold, calculating logic of a... well, a robot.

And who needs a jury when you have a robot judge? Justice would be dispensed with the efficiency of a vending machine, except instead of dispensing candy bars, it'd dispense verdicts. "Guilty! Have a nice day!"

Of course, there might be a few glitches along the way. A super-observant robot cop might accidentally taser a jaywalker for "excessive blinking," or a robot judge might sentence someone to community service for "excessive use of exclamation points in text messages." But hey, at least they wouldn't be taking bribes or falling asleep on the bench.

And the Fun Doesn't Stop There!

Imagine the high-speed chases! Robot cops wouldn't need those pesky seatbelts or have that annoying human tendency to grunt like an offensive lineman when they go over a speed bump. They'd just calculate the optimal pursuit trajectory, and zoom off, leaving a trail of hubcaps and bewildered pigeons in their wake.

Robot Teachers: The Future of Detention is Here

And just when you thought robot cops were bad, get ready for the robo-teacher! Forget about the days of charming your way out of a bad grade or blaming the dog for eating your homework. These circuit board minded instructors will be able to calculate your level of effort down to the nanosecond, and if you're not meeting expectations, BAM! Detention with a side of extra homework, no excuses accepted.

Imagine a classroom where the teacher never blinks and never takes a break to go down a shot of vodka in the teacher’s lounge. They'll be able to drone on about algebra until the cows come home, and if you dare to yawn, their sensors will pick it up, and a laser pointer for a finger will have you facing the ridicule of your classmates faster than you can say "pop quiz."

The future is here, folks, and it's a little bit spooky, a little bit goofy, and a whole lot weird. Buckle up, because the robots are coming, and they’re not thinking about lunch.