Swingline Strikes While Swinging
A cubicle cautionary tale
It happened in a flash. My hand struck the bottom of the desk and the stapler dislodged and fell into my lap. Before I felt it, I heard a click.
As the pain washed over me, I looked down. There it was. The staple.
The pain stopped and was replaced by a shivering cold as the shock set in.
As I caught my breath, I stood up and adjusted myself. In a panic, I hurried to the men’s room. There was another guy in there. Without looking up, we exchanged greetings, and I went into the stall. There wasn’t any blood, but it was stuck. I couldn’t dislodge it. What the hell?
I left there and headed to my boss’s office. I had to find some sort of authoritative guidance.
As I opened her door and walked in, she looked up at me, startled.
“What’s wrong?”
“Uh, there’s been an accident.” I said, closing the door.
I couldn’t let my coworkers hear. They’d find out soon enough. I didn’t want to be there when they heard.
“An accident? Where? What happened?”
“The stapler. Uh, I’ve been stapled. On my person.”
“Stapled? I don’t see anything. Where were you stapled?”
I looked down.
“There? How…”
“Not there. Below that.”
“You mean… the boys?”
“Yes. I’ve been stapled in the balls.”
“How… wait… I don’t want to know how. Are you in pain?”
“I think so. The shock is wearing off, and it’s starting to hurt.”
“Oh God. Okay. Do you want to go to the doctor? You got stapled in the balls? Should we call an ambulance? Oh, I know! Let’s call firemen!” she said, chuckling.
“Yes, and yes. I guess I should see a doctor and it’s not funny. At least not right now.”
I walked down the hallway and out of the building. It was pinching like crazy. Holding it with my right hand as I walked helped, but I got weird looks from people in the lobby and the receptionist looked concerned at first and then giggled unsympathetically.
The drive across town seemed to take forever. By the time I got there, I found out someone from my office had called and alerted the staff. One of the office workers greeted me with a smile and snickered while asking for the co-payment. The other one asked if I wanted a wheelchair.
I tried to sit, but it was better if I stood holding myself while I waited for the doctor. An elderly man kept staring at me with a half perplexed, half disgusted look on his face.
“I stapled my balls!” I said to him.
“What?!?” he yelled back, cupping a hand to his ear.
By that time, the doctor appeared and motioned for me to follow him.
He asked me how it happened and I explained that there was a Zoom call and that I didn’t have to appear on it, so I had time to, well, choke the chicken.
“With your pants down? You couldn’t just expose your — ”
“I thought nothing could happen.”
“You didn’t think period.”
He examined the area and told me to wait there for a minute. As he closed the door to the examination room, it wasn’t a few seconds when I heard a burst of laughter coming from the office.
The doctor returned and said to look up and that I might feel a pinch. After one tug, it was out. What a relief!
I thanked the doctor, and he told me it was no problem while he stood there with a staple remover.
Photo by Mike Meyers on Unsplash
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