I Hate Fantasy Football


Yeah, hate is a strong word, but it’s the only word that covers it. 

Look, I’m an old-fashioned guy.

I root for my team, the Los Angeles Rams. It’s difficult, but I’m loyal like that. Sure, they somehow won the Super Bowl last season and that great. But mostly in the last few seasons, they stunk.

The thing is, when I’m watching a Rams game, I don’t want someone to come over to my house and root for some other teams player or some other teams defense when I’m intensely concentrating on sending my overwhelming positive juju to the Rams so that they’ll theoretically do well.

They create a make believe football team so that they won’t pay as much attention to their families for a few months.

If they don’t heed my first admonishment, I will take away all beer and wings privileges. Even if they brought the refreshments themselves. Well, I’ll draw the line there. I’ll drink the beer, but I’ll do it with a sneer.

If they don’t like it, they can get out!

I realize that the corporate takeover of sports is total. I watched football when it was almost a religion. It was sacrosanct (look it up; I don’t have time to define archaic words. I’m in the middle of a good rant flow. Don’t be lazy!) Corporate stuff only came up during commercials.

Now all team stadiums have corporate names! “Welcome to Sofa King Stadium! Where the prices aren’t just low, they’re Sofa King low!”

Corporations have taken over uniforms. There are now logos on every jersey. If you buy team merchandise, you become a walking billboard for some multinational overlord. I mean, what if you’re a Lakers fan, but not a big fan of Bibigo? What the hell is Bibigo, anyway?

Gambling is also taking over. Leagues are now in bed with companies that prey on degenerate gamblers. In the old days, when players didn’t make nearly as much as they do now, the owners of teams didn’t want gamblers getting to players and officials to throw games.

Today casinos and gambling sites are everywhere.
You can gamble on your phone! Just a few years ago, you’d have to travel to a place to bet on games. It would take gas money or a plane ticket and a lot of time. Now it’s immediate. If you have a gambling problem, there’s no stopping you from blowing a paycheck in a few hours sitting on your couch.

Hey, but why should a cold, soulless, profit driven enterprise care about you and your rent money? They don’t have to. It’s all business. Just like all the billboards that cover stadium walls and walkways. It’s a constant brainwashing that takes the simplicity of the athletic away and reduces it to just another product.

I get it. They are trying to attract the casual fan by watering the game down and making it less violent. It’s the same with the NBA. Women and potential fans can get repulsed by the innate physicality.

Things get sanitized when investors get interested. Money is made by expanding market value.

Anyway, I’ll keep trying to keep the real world out of me watching my club without having to check online or Red Zone to see how my fantasy team is doing so that I can send texts and emails to the others in the league telling them how badass my picks were.

So that, when Monday morning comes, comes, I’d be able to strut around the office with an obnoxious smirk.

I do that already. Why pile on when I’m hilarious and sexy?


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